Mind, Heart and Memory
by pagerunner
Summary: Shepard just wouldn't be Shepard if she couldn't find some way around insurmountable problems. Set early during Mass Effect 3, and expanding upon the first scene on the Citadel with a romanced Thane.


The kiss, Shepard thought, was not enough.

She stood before Thane in the hospital lobby with her heart in her throat, at once struck with relief and sorrow, sympathy and longing, to see him here. She wanted to sit with him and tell him _everything_, then let his voice wash over her for hours, but no small part of her also wanted something…far less verbal. Guilt buzzed in her thoughts beside all this, reminding her of Kaidan lying a few rooms away and uneasily asking her of rumors - but she couldn't shake her feelings for Thane, either. They had never really faded, especially after that wrenching goodbye after her trial and the unresolved months afterward of fearing for his health, and wondering if things had yet reached their worst.

As it was, Shepard could only imagine what she looked like now from Thane's perspective. From her own standpoint, everything felt scattered, overbright and slightly out of control. She reached out for him, wanting to reassure herself that this was real.

And the more real it became, the longer she held onto him, the more apparent it became that that one kiss was _not_ going to be enough.

"What are you thinking, Shepard?" Thane asked gently, partway through their conversation. They were seated beside the windows, surrounded by bustling, urgent people - a busy day at the hospital by any measure, and it made Shepard wince to think of why. Shepard threw a distracted look their way, then returned to Thane. Something about that fathomless stare focused her. It always had.

"We've lost so much time," she said. "I'm so sorry it was so much time-"

"That was not your doing. Nor was it truly your fault. I am sorrier for your punishment than anything."

"Still. There's so much I wish I could have said." She paused. "And done…."

She touched his hand. Thane breathed in deeply - and painfully raggedly - but she saw a familiar flicker in his eyes, too. "I would say the same," he murmured. He turned his hand over and softly returned the touch, his fingertips meeting her palm. She was so keenly aware of that tiny point of intimacy that it was hard to think of anything else.

"Thane," she said, "I've got a few free moments. Do you want to spend a little time together?"

His voice was level when he answered, "I'd like that," but she felt the trip of his pulse beneath her fingers, too - not as strong as it once was, but still there. It was the first thing he remarked upon when they both rose to their feet.

"You should understand," he said lightly, "that my cardiovascular system is not what it-"

Shepard didn't give him time to finish the disclaimer. She stepped forward and kissed him soundly, ending his words in a low, satisfying moan. The delicious buzz of the kiss began to creep over her as he pressed forward, too, urgently enough to prove that his fears were at least partially unfounded. Shepard smiled against his mouth. "You were saying?" she whispered.

Thane's hum of pleasure was so low as to be almost subvocal, but she _felt_ it, and it was wonderful. "I've missed you, Shepard," he said. She arched against him, sighing, and only slowly remembered herself.

"Privacy," she reminded him. "Did you know somewhere?"

"I believe I do." With that, he pulled back just enough to guide her to the hallway.

It was not a long walk, but it _felt_ like it. Anticipation made Shepard's nerves buzz as she let herself get turned down unfamiliar corridors. The hallway at last ended with a blank wall and a simple door. "In here," Thane said, working the controls. When the door slid open, Shepard walked into a mostly-empty, bright room, notably absent of specific artifacts and containing only a few padded benches, a long shelf holding a collection of datapads and older, paper books, and a sweeping window. Shepard blinked, realizing what this was. "Is this the chapel?"

Thane was busy securing the door behind him. "Yes. It has not yet been repurposed for patient care, but I do not expect that to last long. As it is… I'm afraid most people here now are too busy to seek much solitude."

"And here I was going to joke about this being scandalous," Shepard murmured. She was glancing again over the row of holy books. She wondered if Thane's gods were represented there at all.

_You who remember everything,_ she thought. _Is the galaxy going to remember you?_

Shepard turned again, suddenly stricken, but Thane beside her was wearing a strange little smile.

"For what it's worth," he said, "it is believed that honest expressions of love and devotion, meeting the physical with the spiritual and sharing it with another, is one of the purest ways of attaining the Whole."

Something about the way he said it made her raise an eyebrow. "Is that so?"

Thane's eyes flickered in a way she recognized. He was, she suspected, teasing her. "Misappropriating holy verse," she said. "Coming from you, that _is_ scandalous."

He stepped closer. "I've committed far greater sins than loving you," he murmured, reaching up to touch her. "Permit me these small heresies."

He was caressing her hair, letting one hand trail down the arc of her neck as her head fell back. The subtle rasp of his skin against hers felt exquisite. "Who am I to protest?" Shepard said breathlessly.

Thane smiled again and met her lips in another, delirious kiss.

This time, they had no need to worry about prying eyes, no reason to hesitate. Shepard curled into his embrace, her nerves burning at every point of contact. From the way he moved against her, it was clear illness had taken none of his grace. Only his rapid breathlessness reminded her to slow herself, and that was no real sacrifice; it gave her an excellent excuse to savor the moment. Slowly they stepped back across the floor to one of the low benches, sitting beside each other with fingers still entangled.

"I have come here when I could," Thane rasped, in between small kisses; he was beginning to explore, reacquainting himself with old, familiar sweet spots behind her ear and down her neck. "It is a good place to meditate, and to remember… and to think of you."

Shepard let her hands light upon his chest, measuring the thrum of his heartbeat. "And what sort of memories were these?"

He pulled her hands just high enough that she could feel the low hum reverberating through his throat. "I think you know," he said roughly.

Shepard kissed him again, unable to help herself. She only barely made herself stop to give him room to breathe. Thane flashed a look at her as if he knew what she was doing. "You are remarkably inspiring," he said, conceding the point, "but I... do not know if I can keep pace with you just now, Siha."

She nodded, somewhat reluctantly. Still, an idea had struck her on the way here. "I'm sure there are still other things we could do."

"What did you have in mind?"

"As it happens, 'in mind' is part of it." Her head tilted. "Thane, when you… remember… how much does it affect you? Physically, I mean."

His hand stilled on her shoulder, with only his thumb stroking back and forth. "Minimally. The sensations are strong, but it is all a function of the mind. I can safely withdraw into memories of…physicality…without exerting myself."

"Then what if we reminisce together?"

Thane blinked at her. Shepard let her hands slide up even further to illustrate her point. She was touching the sensitive frills of his neck now, teasing beneath the folds. "I may not remember as well as you," she said, "but I still have so many memories of our time together. All the things we talked about. What I learned. The comfort we found in each other." Her hands moved a little, making him shiver. She smiled. "And…. _other_ things."

He said nothing, but he held on a little tighter. Shepard bent closer, her whole body warming.

"What does this remind you of?" she whispered, and kissed the reddened skin of his throat.

As she'd said, her own memory wasn't as precise as Thane's, but she tried hard to recall every movement from the first time she'd touched him like this. Within moments it was clear she'd been close enough, because Thane had already loosed a small moan and slid into recollection. "The night before Omega 4," he murmured. "You above me, moving with me, learning every last inch of my skin."

She sighed, awash in memories of it herself. "Yes."

"I marvel at your instincts." His voice went hoarser while her hands trailed down his body. "The tenderness in your touch moves me - I can sense the fear in you, and yet…."

Shepard let out a small breath, nuzzling against his cheek. She didn't want to admit the fear was still real. Instead she focused on what had been. "Do you remember how wonderful you made me feel that night? Did you know?" She lifted her head, whispering into his ear. "Because I want you to know."

"Yes," he rasped. "I can see it in you. Feel it when you come. You're clenching around me and crying out - so beautiful. Shining against the backdrop of the infinite sky….."

Shepard felt herself tremble, warmth throbbing deep inside her. "Thane….."

"I want to touch you," he said, and it was a moment before Shepard realized he had stepped out of the trance. He traced one finger along the skin at the edge of her collar. "There are… more memories…" His eyes met hers. "And I want so much to touch you."

Feeling half-dazed, her lips and skin tingling, Shepard stood and reached for the edges of her shirt. Thane followed her. She'd only halfway untucked it before his hands were sliding beneath the loosened fabric, feeling warm at the small of her back and rocking her against him; she nearly keened at the sensation. At that moment all her defenses were down.

That, she soon reflected, was a dangerous move in the hands of an assassin.

Thane moved swiftly then, and turned the tables completely. He spun her around and out of any real control in an instant. Instinct brought her into a fighting stance, but it wasn't fast enough. She only made it through a few moves before Thane took his place behind her, and when she felt his touch again it made her gasp - for his hands were lightly but unmistakably braced against her neck. Poised as if for the kill.

His mouth brushed the curve of her ear as he asked, "Do you remember this?"

As if she could forget. Shepard's every instinct screamed at her what he could do, telling her it could be over so fast, so fast….but she knew what he actually intended, and _that_ was enough to nearly set her on fire. "The night we were sparring," Shepard breathed. "When you got the better of me."

"Tell me," Thane whispered. "I want to hear it from your lips."

Everything, oh, _everything_ ached, and she could practically see stars - Mordin hadn't been wrong about what kissing Thane might do to her, and she had _never_ minded less. Shepard rode the sweet disorientation of it into the memory. "You were telling me I had to be… more aware of myself. That I shouldn't just think of using the tools and weapons in my hands, or even my biotics. That I had to… truly inhabit the space. Every bit of my own body." Thane kept on holding her, although one finger had drifted, stroking over her lips. She lost the next words for a minute. "But you tricked me when I looked away. Caught me. Just like this."

"What were you thinking?" Thane murmured.

She nearly let out a trembling laugh. It hadn't been proper thought then. It certainly wasn't now. His hands had begun to move, just as they had when they'd stood panting with exertion from the fight. He was caressing his hands down her body, so intimately that there might as well have been nothing at all keeping his skin from hers. "It was… sensation. Terror. Desire. The instinct to fight back, as dirty as I had to. The feeling that… if this was what oncoming death felt like… from your hands it would be _incredible_…."

He groaned, and he grasped her waist as if he was trying to steady himself. She knew how things had ended then - and how many rematches it took until they were both truly satisfied - but she hadn't known his thoughts until he spoke of it now. "I never thought it would take me so powerfully," he said. "I was accustomed to detachment. I was telling you to feel everything… when I would not do it myself. I did not dare. But with you - I would never abuse your trust, never harm you, but I could not… cannot… be so close without _wanting…."_

The tension rising in her was incredible, but it cracked just as Thane's last word did. His hands, which had been creeping tantalizingly north, tightened around her as he coughed. "Thane," Shepard said anxiously. "Are you-"

He coughed again, harder this time. Shepard awkwardly turned in his arms and tried to take his weight. The wracking cough at last ended with a pained slump, and she helped ease him down until they both knelt together and she could cup his cheek with one hand. "Thane?"

"I am sorry, Siha," he said wearily. "I had not intended to... spoil the mood."

"No," she began, but he shook his head, cutting her off. His dark eyes were somber.

"I wish above all I could make these memories real again," he said, "and love you as you deserve."

"Oh, Thane. _Thane._" Her own voice cracked. "Ssh."

Shepard bent in again to kiss him, sighing like she could give him all her breath, so he'd never have to struggle for it again. The sound he made in return was indescribable: desire, pain and longing all at once. When he pulled back and tried to speak again, she silenced him with one finger to his lips. "Let me…. let me show you one more thing."

"Another memory?"

"More like one we haven't made yet," she said. "Close your eyes."

He did, without hesitation. The implicit trust made her heart ache. Shepard watched him a moment, steadying herself, matching the pace of their breathing until she was sure he was steady, too. Then she leaned her forehead against his and shut her own eyes.

And concentrated.

The slow ebb of biotic power she drew forth made her whole body thrum. It always was a curious sensation - not quite pleasure, but something like it, a rush of power that heightened all her senses. Thane made a small sound as if he could feel it rising within her. His hands moved, touching her curves, and it was when he settled one palm over her heart that she felt what she'd been hoping for: his own power, meeting hers halfway.

She arched into the touch and gasped, and when her eyes flew open, she _did_ see stars.

Everything around them glowed. Blue waves of light twined around each other and flashed brilliantly where they met, and she could _feel_ him in it, somehow, like the brush of something just a little otherworldly. They'd had moments of this electric accord before - briefly in battle, or in accidental, intoxicating moments of emotional overcharge - but they'd never done it this deliberately, and with so little intent except to _feel_ it. "Your mind and mine," he said hoarsely, staring up into it too. And then he breathed her name.

She choked back what felt like sudden tears. Instead she twined herself as close as she could, hoping he could feel everything she was pouring into this - all her love and desire and every bit of wonder. She desperately wanted him to know. And for a moment she dared to hope that he would, because his own energy was thrumming against hers, into her, more intimately than any physical touch could possibly have done. It was _incredible._

And this time, unlike the simple kisses before, it was more than enough.

Caught in the throes of it all, Shepard's whole body bowed. She didn't even know how she was vertical, until she realized in shock that they'd lifted each other completely off the ground. When she felt her toes brush the floor, the whole impossible thing suddenly made her _laugh_ - and that was what carried her over the edge. Thane held on while the power they'd built up detonated, releasing in a flash that popped her ears and broke the light fixture and sent _something_ shorting out in a loud, bright fizz, and she felt everything rock in a way that would surely send people running, but she utterly, desperately _did not care._ Not with the way he was holding her, groaning into her mouth in a way she hadn't heard in too, too long, and had feared she never would again. Not with the weightless, delirious pleasure of the moment, which took seemingly eons to fade, while the broken glass of the shattered light filtered down through the shockwaves as nothing more harmful than glittering sand.

And when they tumbled back down to the floor together, they landed not with any pain but simply shocked surprise, and Thane - oh, _Thane_ - was laughing, too.

Shepard held on, drinking in that sound. She couldn't even remember the last time she'd heard him laugh, and she wanted it to last. The distant pounding on the door and shouts of "Are you all right in there?" didn't matter much in comparison. She only waited and listened, while her fingers drifted across Thane's cheek and brushed away a teardrop that might have been hers. "Siha," he murmured. "You are a marvel." He lifted up to kiss her again, then took a look at the dust and toppled benches around them. Slowly, wryness crept into his smile. "And I think with _this_ amount of disruption, you've just quadrupled my hospital bill."

She chuckled low and poked his chest with one finger. "Hey, that's your fault too."

"For the memories you just gave me, I will gladly take the blame."

She lowered herself down to kiss him again - and again - and then finally lifted her head, because _someone_ had to answer that increasingly alarmed voice on the other side of the disabled door. "We're fine," she shouted. "I think it was a power surge…."

The man sounded relieved. "I'll find someone to fix the door. Hang on."

Shepard watched the door a while to be sure. Then, in the ensuing quiet, she curled up beside Thane to wait.

She hadn't quite managed to avoid exerting him. His chest heaved with some difficulty on every breath, and something about his coloring looked faintly off, although she had to admit she couldn't entirely tell for sure. Still, some of the old strength was back in his voice when he spoke again. "I am glad you came," he said simply.

"So am I."

"And if I may ask something…."

"Anything," she said. "You can have anything."

He turned his head and lifted one hand. Shepard pressed hers to it, her two center fingers held close together to match his, the others stretched wide. After a moment he gently folded his fingers between hers and studied her somberly.

"I would wish to see you again, if you could come," he said. "But I would understand if….this is how we parted."

"Thane," she began quietly, but he stilled her.

"Whatever else comes of this, I will treasure this time together. Your love and honesty… and ingenuity." He smiled. "Recursive desire. That could be a dangerous invention."

"You'll have to keep me around to experiment, then," she teased. "In the interest of thorough evaluation."

"A tempting thought." Thane stroked his thumb across her skin a moment before going still. "But we both know it's impossible."

Unfortunately, she did, and for a moment she hated it. They both fell quiet. Thane at last touched her again, working his way up to the words. "Shepard, I hope for your sake that whatever else you might have shared with me… you can share with someone else, in time….."

He broke off, coughing again. Shepard helped him sit up, holding him until it calmed. By the time it did, she could hear someone working at the shorted-out door locks. They didn't have much time. Shepard looked down at their joined hands again, and didn't lift her head until Thane spoke once more.

"Don't dwell on me too long, Siha," he said softly. "In my last days I may have no choice but to live in memories. But you deserve so much more."

She wanted to reply, but her voice choked on the words. Thane touched her chin and turned her face towards his. They were still kissing when the door slid open, and a startled hospital worker made hasty excuses for himself. Shepard managed a smile when she withdrew, almost shyly.

"I should go," she said. "But, just so you know….."

Thane watched her closely as they both got to their feet, he with help from the salarian nurse, she alone - and especially after what he'd just said, she truly, truly felt it. Still, she stood firm, and told him perhaps the most important thing, the thing she'd wanted above all to let him know.

"My memories of you are always going to be beautiful," Shepard said.

Something glimmered in his eyes as she turned aside. And perhaps it was only a trick of the light, but as she left, for just a moment, she glimpsed a lingering flash of his own blue fire in the air, clinging to her like an embrace to say goodbye.


End file.
